


[Script] “Family Reunion”

by Five678Patty, Pants (Smarty_Pants)



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Cosplaying fan, David loves his sister, Episode: s07e14 Family reunion, Everybody’s got a stalker, Ew no he doesn’t, Family Reunions, Future Fic, Gen, Missing your Family, Schitt’s Creek Season 7, Screenplay/Script Format, She’s a little bit cray cray… if you steal her look, Spec script, That hipster dining experience, doppelgangers, gravy, sibling dynamics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-27
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-15 00:15:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29304843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Five678Patty/pseuds/Five678Patty, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Smarty_Pants/pseuds/Pants
Summary: S07E14 SynopsisThere’s something familiar about David and Patrick’s new employee and nothing familiar about the new Café Tropical. Moira has acquired a stalker who follows her to town.
Relationships: Alexis Rose & David Rose, David Rose (Schitt's Creek) & Original Character(s), Johnny Rose & Roland Schitt, Moira Rose & Jocelyn Schitt, Patrick Brewer/David Rose, Stevie Budd & David Rose
Comments: 51
Kudos: 58
Collections: Schitt's Creek Season 7





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by Anonymous in the [SCSeason7](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/SCSeason7) collection. 



> **Prompt:**  
>  7x14 - Family Reunion
> 
> This is the generic, catch-all prompt for all things related to the four Roses being in the same place at the same time. Claim this prompt if you have an idea for a work that doesn't fit any of the other 7x14 prompts.
> 
> -//-
> 
>  **A note on formatting:**  
>  Chapter 1 - embedded photos to resemble script formatting. 
> 
> Chapters 2 to 4 - the same fic in plain text format (Courier font, again to resemble a script). These chapters can be downloaded in AO3 and uploaded to text to speech apps for those of you who consume your fanfiction that way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A massive thanks to the amazing [MeadowHarvest](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MeadowHarvest/pseuds/MeadowHarvest) for being the perfect beta for this script. When the realization hit that writing a script is hard and being funny is even harder, your enthusiasm and support were so appreciated. Your insightful comments made this script _so much_ better. You found jokes that would have gone unnoticed or underutilized because your brain is a freaking comedic marvel. And of course, thank you for “SchiCree” which was too good not to be used...and then peppered throughout the script at any given opportunity that presented itself. 
> 
> Seriously, thank you! WE LOVE YOU!


	2. Cold Open and Act One

**COLD OPEN**

**FADE IN:**

****

****

**EXT. AIRPORT TERMINAL - NIGHT**

David is sitting in the driver’s seat of the Lincoln. He holds his cell phone in front of him and speaks into the end speaker.

**DAVID**  
Okay, I’ve already circled around the airport four times!

**PATRICK**  
(on phone)  
Their planes have landed and they should be making their way to baggage claim. I’m sure they’ll be outside any minute, David.

**DAVID**  
It’s just -- the little security man keeps waving me to go around. (speaking to someone outside the car) I know, _I know_. I’m _waiting_ for someone! I -- ooh okay, I’ll move.

(into the phone) I tried calling Alexis but she didn’t answer. Ugh! This is exactly like that time I went to pick her up from a flight from Istanbul but she decided to stop in London to hang out with Florence and the Machine instead!

**PATRICK**  
(on phone)  
I know you’re excited to see them, honey, but they’re probably just getting their bags.

**DAVID**  
Do you think --

TAP ON THE WINDOW.  
David jumps.

**ALEXIS**  
David! We’re _here_! Ugh! Let us in!

The three Roses stand outside the car. David leans over to unlock the front passenger door manually and then awkwardly stretches to pull up each of the door locks in the back, as Johnny puts their luggage in the open trunk. David speaks to them through the window.

**DAVID**  
Oh my god, what took you so long? I’ve been driving around in circles out here and I’ve had to deal with a very snippy airport security person.

They open the car doors and pile in. Alexis gets in the front passenger seat.

**ALEXIS**  
Umm, David, we were waiting for _you_! At baggage claim like you said.

**DAVID**  
What? I never said I’d be at baggage claim! Who goes to baggage claim? I’d have to park and walk and go in and for what? To greet you as your bags go by on a carousel instead of outside at the curb? Going inside is not an integral part of the airport pickup experience!

Alexis tries to boop David on the nose.

**ALEXIS**  
Mmm, you seem upset. Maybe I should drive. Your face is getting all scrunchy.

David drives with one hand and uses the other to bat away Alexis as she keeps putting her finger in his face.

**MOIRA**  
Children! Do you need me to take charge of this vehicle? My airplane pill is wearing off...well maybe not yet, but it will soon.

Moira sways with the movement of the car. 

**JOHNNY**  
Now, everyone. David says he can drive. Son, are you sure you can drive? Because I told you I could get us a town car. You didn’t need to come all the way down here. Especially if you’re nervous about driving. Maybe I should drive?

**DAVID**  
What are you people talking about? I can drive! I’m _driving_! Do you not see me literally driving the car right now out of the airport? I drive this car every day. You people -- just (sighing) -- I pictured this differently. You all were -- and I was -- 

**MOIRA**  
We were what, David?

**DAVID**  
Different! Calmer! Better! I thought maybe things would’ve changed but this --

David makes a circular gesture with his hand in the direction of his family.

**DAVID** (CONT’D)  
\-- is somehow just as ridiculous as ever. 

**ALEXIS**  
Ew. So your face is like extra scrunchy right now, David, but I don't know if that’s your mood or if you’re just super old and wrinkled now.

David turns to glare at Alexis. He huffs loudly, clearly exasperated, as he turns back to the road.

**END OF COLD OPEN**  


****

****

****

**CUT TO: TITLE CARD**

* * *

****

**ACT ONE**

****

**1 INT. ROSE APOTHECARY – DAY 1**

Patrick is standing behind the cash register. He leans his elbows on the counter, engrossed in some kind of paperwork while David is restocking shelves at the back of the store. David is standing next to an attractive blonde woman (BROOKE) who is also restocking shelves.

Brooke reads the label on one of the jars. She unscrews the lid and samples the cream, rubbing it into her hands. She returns the lid and puts the jar on the shelf alongside the rest of the products she and David are restocking. 

**BROOKE**  
(smelling her hand)  
Yum!

David looks at her and smiles softly.

**BROOKE** (CONT’D)  
This smells exactly like the amazing Tahitian massage I got at the cutest little beachside hut in Bora Bora.

She holds her hand, limp at the wrist, out for David to smell. He does and makes an approving sound at the scent.

**DAVID**  
I don’t think you’ve told me this story yet.

**BROOKE**  
Ugh! I basically got stalked by this super sketchy guy trying to sell what were clearly knock-off Louboutins from a little kiosk behind the resort. But when I found Varua’s photos of me, my beach curls never looked better, so it worked out in the end. My Insta blew up when I posted the pics.

Brooke thumbs on her phone before showing the screen to David.

**DAVID**  
Cute!

**BROOKE**  
Right?!

Brooke flicks her hair and gives a happy wiggle. David beams at her.

**DAVID**  
Um, actually, speaking of beach curls, I’ve found a new potential vendor who assures me their wave and curl care products are the best. I have a tub of an all-natural wave defining cream in the back if you want to try it and let me know what you think?

**BROOKE**  
(bouncing and clapping her hands)  
Yay, David, yay!

A customer comes in and Brooke goes over to help them. 

**PATRICK**  
(to David)  
Well, this seems to be working out.

**DAVID**  
Hmm?

**PATRICK**  
With Brooke. She’s checking all the boxes. I like how she handles the customers and she seems to share your aesthetic sense when it comes to the product displays.

**DAVID**  
Well, she didn’t bring a bell or come up with a catchphrase so those are two points in her favor already.

**PATRICK**  
I’m just relieved we finally agreed on someone. And you seem to really have some kind of special bond with her.

**DAVID**  
Huh? Really? She just seems to me to be really competent and pleasant -- and she’s willing to do the vendor pickups that -- 

**PATRICK**  
\-- That you'd rather not do. 

Patrick laughs.

**PATRICK** (CONT’D)  
Uh huh, I get it now. 

* * *

**2 INT. CAFÉ TROPICAL - DAY 2**

The café looks very different. There is gauzy fabric covering the walls, reupholstered booths and a musician in the corner playing a banjo. The chalkboards are gone and the room is semi-dark and lit by strings of Edison bulb lights. A large festive “GRAND RE-OPENING” banner hangs in view. Johnny and Roland are sitting in a booth looking around incredulously. 

A man with a top bun and beard (BRET) approaches the booth.

**BRET**  
Hey there, friends! What’s poppin? Welcome to Twyla’s Café Tropical, aka TCT. I’m Bret. With one T. And I’m gonna just chill here with you guys for a bit. (He slides into the booth next to Johnny.)

**JOHNNY**  
(confused and caught off guard)  
Oh! Sure. Sure. Hello...Bret. Take a seat. Do we know you? Or maybe you know my son, David? He owns Rose Apothecary here in town.

**BRET**  
Yeah no, don’t think so, but he sounds deck. I’ll for sure have to stalk his Insta or hit him up on Tumblr. 

**JOHNNY**  
Oh yes, _Tumblr_. (makes air quotes with his fingers) “Swipe right.”

**ROLAND**  
Listen, Bret. Have you seen Twyla? We’re having an important business meeting and we need to order some breakfast.

**BRET**  
Oh, the boss lady? She’s setting up the new tiki bar out back. A bit of a hot tub emergency, I guess. No worries, I can totes help you guys out.

**JOHNNY**  
Help us out? What, so -- are you working here? 

**BRET**  
Oh my bad. Guess I could’ve said. I’m your server. 

**JOHNNY**  
Ahhh. Now I get it. Well, Bret, it’s been a while since I’ve been here. Could you bring us some menus?

**BRET**  
Here you go. (places an iPad on the table)

**JOHNNY**  
What’s that? Maybe you didn’t hear me. I need a menu.

**BRET**  
Mood. (points to the iPad) That’s all you need. YOLO, yo!

**ROLAND**  
And a hearty yoloyo to you, my good man. You’ll have to excuse Johnny here. He’s not as tech-savvy as you and I are, Bret. Grandpa Old School thinks he needs to have a menu in his hands or he won’t get what he wants. Give it to me. I’ll take care of this. (He reaches for the iPad.)

**BRET**  
Yeah, fo shizzle. The struggle is real. (stands up) Welp, laters! (goes to another table)

**ROLAND**  
(calling after Bret)  
Shizzle thing, buddy. I’ll leave my Welp review later. 

* * *

**3 INT. SCHITTS’ RESIDENCE – DAY 3**

Moira lets herself into the Schitts’ house uninvited. Jocelyn is wiping the kitchen counter. She looks up, surprised at the intrusion.

**MOIRA**  
Jocelyn! Thank heavens you’re home. You must draw your curtains immediately.

Moira doesn’t wait but starts to manically close the curtains herself. Jocelyn joins her by the window.

**JOCEYLN**  
Moira? You’re here! Now? At my house! What -- what are you doing here?

**MOIRA**  
I seek refuge from the most insidious byproduct of my own renown.

**JOCELYN**  
Oh no. Is it paparazzi? Roly will be so excited. He’s always wanted us to get caught by a long-range zoom.

Jocelyn starts fussing with her hair and clothes and posing a little.

**MOIRA**  
(confused)  
The paparazzi are our friends, dear. I’m referring to my stalker.

**JOCELYN**  
You have a stalker? 

**MOIRA**  
Of course I have a stalker. Any bonafide celebrity worth their weight in Golden Globes has a stalker.

**JOCELYN**  
It’s just that I thought we were gonna meet up later this afternoon to have our little girls’ spa day. 

**MOIRA**  
This is hardly the time for hedonistic indulgence! I’ve been targeted by an impostor. This devotee has been presenting herself online with my appellation ever since Vivian Blake was temporarily blinded and then trapped in a slowly sinking yacht during sweeps week.

**JOCELYN**  
Oh but --

**MOIRA**  
Alexis set up an alert for whenever the so-called _ActualMoiraRose_ hashtags about me on Tic-Tac and FriendBook -- and my phone has been chirping all morning! This unrelenting creature obviously followed me here and has been taking photos all over town! 

**JOCELYN**  
So -- I guess that’s a no on the spa then?

**MOIRA**  
As if either of us would be able to relax knowing someone is skulking around in a poorly-curated knock-off of my wardrobe. Wearing a wig reminiscent of Madeline! I truly never thought I’d have to face my double again -- not since I played my own evil twin in season 6 and half of 7. 

**JOCELYN**  
Well, if we can’t go to the spa, I guess we could use some of Roly Jr’s leftover oatmeal as a facemask. I just need to spoon out the bits he spat up.

**MOIRA**  
I couldn’t ask you to do that. In fact I must insist that you don’t. Providing me with a safe harbor is more than enough. I do believe I will be out of harm’s way within your dwelling. No one would expect to find someone like me here -- (gestures around the Schitts’ house) of all places!

* * *

**4 INT. CAFÉ TROPICAL - DAY 4**

Bret approaches the table carrying a huge tray of food.

**BRET**  
Hey again, my dudes! Your order’s up! Hungry today, huh?

He puts the food, very artistically arranged on multiple small wooden boards, down on the table.

**JOHNNY**  
What’s all this? We just ordered one Little Farmer’s breakfast and a pancake special.

**BRET**  
Nah, man. According to the CaféTrop app, you ordered six Little Farmer’s breakfasts with free-range sausage, a side of organic kale hash browns, and a plate of gluten-free gravy. And...no pancakes. Carbs, am I right? 

**JOHNNY**  
Who needs six breakfasts and a plate of gravy? Does that make sense to you, Bret?

**BRET**  
Oh, hey, I’m not here to judge. I have lots of friends doing keto. Anyway. Def give me a shout if you need anything. 

As Bret leaves, Roland picks up one of the serving boards and dumps the contents onto another, creating a large mound of food. He reaches for the gravy and pours it over the top. The gravy runs down the side of the board and onto the table. Johnny watches him aghast.

**ROLAND**  
What? I called dibs on the gravy.

**END OF ACT ONE**  



	3. Chapter 3

**ACT TWO**

**5 INT. ROSE APOTHECARY – DAY 5  
**

David, Alexis and Patrick are in Rose Apothecary. Patrick is at the counter. David and Alexis are at the back of the store. Alexis is touching all the products while David follows behind straightening up after her. 

Alexis opens a jar and samples the cream. 

**ALEXIS  
** (smelling her hand)  
Oooh, David! This smells so yummy. 

David glares at her and scowls.

****

**ALEXIS** (CONT’D)  
This smells so much like that time--

****

**DAVID  
** (interrupting)  
Enough! Nobody wants to hear about you being an extra in Blue Crush and getting stuck in a riptide with Warner from Legally Blonde.

She moves her hand toward David’s face and holds it under his nose. David slaps her hand away and makes a face. 

****

**ALEXIS  
** But. Smell it. David. 

****

**DAVID  
** (under his breath)  
Ew. Get out of my face. I thought you were here to help.

****

**PATRICK  
** (reprimanding)  
David! 

Alexis turns towards Patrick and boops him on the nose. 

****

**ALEXIS  
** Thank you, Button.

Alexis turns to David and flicks her hair in a gloating way.

 **ALEXIS** (CONT’D)  
Anyway, I _am_ helping, David. As your target demographic, I’m doing a comprehensive product trial to test brand integration. So, _you’re welcome_.

 **DAVID**  
If you really want to be helpful, you could go pick us up breakfast burritos from the café.

 **ALEXIS**  
Mmm hm, I totally will. But you’re paying after you've gotten all this product testing from me for free.

As Alexis leaves she scratches her face with her middle finger, looking at David. He gives her an angry scowl through the glass door as it closes.

 **PATRICK**  
Wow, David. It really warms my heart to see you two together again. The sibling love is overwhelming. 

David rolls his eyes. He purses his lips tightly and a crooked smile creeps out.

* * *

**6 INT. CAFÉ TROPICAL - DAY 6**

Johnny and Roland are eating. Alexis walks in and goes to the counter. She picks up several takeout containers. Alexis sees Johnny and Roland and approaches them. She sits down and places the boxes on the table.

 **ALEXIS**  
Oooh, look at this place! Love all these changes Twy was telling me about. 

**JOHNNY**  
You knew about this?

 **ALEXIS**  
Of course, Dad. I’m Twy’s best friend and marketing consultant. Doesn’t it look just so super cute in here? And ordering on the app is so easy. A real time saver. 

Alexis punctuates the last four words with finger taps to the top of her takeout containers. 

**ROLAND**  
Yeah, using an iPad instead of a menu is a real upgrade. It streamlines the whole breakfast ordering experience. Plus I was able to check my Etsy reviews.

Johnny rolls his eyes. 

**ALEXIS**  
Ooh, that must be Bret, the little hipster hottie she hired! 

Alexis looks toward Bret who is sitting at another table filled with customers. Johnny follows her gaze.

 **ALEXIS** (CONT’D)  
This reminds me so much of the place in SoHo we had brunch when Twy came to visit.

 **JOHNNY**  
Schitt’s Creek isn’t SoHo, Alexis. Why would Twyla do this to the café?

 **ALEXIS**  
Oh my god, chill, Dad! She’s the owner now and is just being a total girl boss. She can make whatever changes she wants.

 **JOHNNY**  
Well, when you’re running a business, you need to be consistent in meeting customer expectations. People might come here expecting the café to look the same and to have real menus and to have Twyla smiling as she takes your order. And people might be...well, disappointed if they come back to town and find all those familiar things have changed.

 **ALEXIS**  
(stands up and boops Johnny)  
Aww! Maybe we need to tell those _people_ that change can be hard sometimes -- but also that everything will be okay. (She blinks her eyes at him like she’s winking.)

Alexis leaves. Roland is tapping on the iPad screen. He looks up.

 **JOHNNY**  
I just don’t know about all these changes.

 **ROLAND**  
Johnny, you’ve gotta get with the times. SoHo’s got nothing on SchiCree. 

* * *

**7 INT. SCHITTS’ RESIDENCE – DAY 7**

Moira is hovering around the windows of the Schitts’ living room taking peeks out the curtain. Jocelyn is scraping bits of oatmeal from a messy plastic children’s bowl into a fancier porcelain bowl. There is a knock at the door and Moira tenses and backs up against the wall. She positions herself behind a floor lamp, trying to hide as Jocelyn goes to answer the door.

 **MOIRA**  
Remain vigilant. It could be a ruse to lure me out. 

Jocelyn opens the door a sliver and peeks her head out. Ray is standing on the front porch.

 **JOCELYN**  
Oh, Ray! It’s you. (calling to Moira) It’s just Ray.

Jocelyn opens the door wider. Moira stays frozen against the wall, posed like a statue.

 **RAY**  
Oh, hi, Jocelyn! Is Roland here? He promised to officially sign off on my new Airbnb/home daycare business. 

He cranes his neck and sees Moira.

 **RAY** (CONT’D)  
Moira! Where’d you come from? Didn’t I just see you taking selfies in front of Town Hall?

Moira peeks out from behind the lamp. 

**MOIRA**  
As if I’d ever take a picture of myself like a common tourist! That’s what one’s public relations team is for. 

**JOCELYN**  
Ooh, Moira! That must have been your stalker!

 **RAY**  
A stalker? How exciting! Do you think I could book her for my next ‘Ray Your Love on Me’ podcast?

 **MOIRA**  
That’s a question for the crazed fanatic who has relinquished the anonymity of a computer screen to haunt me in this provincial whistle-stop. Who can imagine what she hopes to gain from this surreptitious surveillance!

 **RAY**  
(looking at his phone)  
Oh look! She’s posted under the new #SchiCree hashtag! She really has her finger on the pulse of this town. 

**MOIRA**  
The town? Hah! I think it’s more likely this villain would like to _stop the pulse_ of yours truly -- (her voice rises dramatically) and then to purloin my life!

* * *

**8 INT. ROSE APOTHECARY – DAY 8**

Patrick is watering the plants in the front window while David and Brooke are setting up a display at the back of the store. The bell rings and Stevie walks in.

 **STEVIE**  
Ding, ding. I’m here for my wine.

 **PATRICK**  
Hey, Stevie. 

David continues to talk to Brooke but raises an eyebrow and gives a small wave of acknowledgement at Stevie’s arrival. David laughs at something Brooke says. 

Stevie turns towards Patrick with a questioning look on her face.

 **STEVIE**  
So, what’s going on here? Are you having a competition to see who can get the most phone numbers again? Because there’s something very wrong about this whole situation.

Stevie circles her hand, palm facing out, in the direction of David and Brooke. Patrick laughs. 

**PATRICK**  
No, that whole situation is actually David training our new employee.

 **STEVIE**  
Oh, so _that’s_ Brooke, huh?

 **PATRICK**  
She’s working out great. David was so picky --

Stevie snorts.

 **PATRICK** (CONT’D)  
I didn’t think we’d ever find somebody. And she’s -- 

Patrick smiles fondly in the direction of David and Brooke. 

**PATRICK** (CONT’D)  
Well, you let me know what you think. 

Stevie and Patrick watch David and Brooke interact as they finish the display. Brooke definitively places the final bottle on the shelf. She and David both take a step back to appraise. 

**DAVID**  
Perfect! You have such a great eye for this.

Brooke lightly slaps David’s bicep. 

**BROOKE**  
Stop it. It’s easy with these amazing products and your beautiful store.

 **DAVID**  
Okay, you’ve got to learn to take a compliment when you deserve it.

 **BROOKE**  
Ugh, David. I will if you will. 

Patrick smiles as he watches them while Stevie stands with her mouth open. 

**DAVID**  
(from the other side of the room)  
Stevie, there’s someone you need to meet.

David walks towards the front of the store where Patrick and Stevie are standing. Brooke follows behind.

 **DAVID** (CONT’D)  
This is Brooke, Rose Apothecary’s newest sales associate. Brooke, this is Stevie, our best friend who steals all our wine. Don’t trust anything she says. 

**STEVIE**  
Would we call it stealing when I pay for it and then you drink it all? It sounds more like you steal from me. 

**BROOKE**  
Ooh, ouch! Burn on you, David! 

Brooke giggles and flicks her hair. She puts her hand on David’s arm and smiles at him. David laughs in response. Stevie looks shocked. 

**BROOKE** (CONT’D)  
It was super nice meeting you, Stevie. Okay, I’m gonna go pick up those adorable new tote bags. I’ll see you later, David. 

She taps him on the head. 

**BROOKE** (CONT’D)  
Bop! And Patrick.

She taps Patrick on the head. 

**BROOKE** (CONT’D)  
Bop. 

Brooke leaves. Stevie grins. David looks at her questioningly.

 **STEVIE**  
Oh my _god_ , David!

 **DAVID**  
What?

 **STEVIE**  
(looking at Patrick)  
Seriously? 

**PATRICK**  
(stifling laughter)  
Was waiting for this.

 **STEVIE**  
You don’t see anything about Brooke that strikes you as familiar? Like _family_ -iar?

 **DAVID**  
Well, she does share my excellent taste. So we have that in common.

 **STEVIE**  
Yeah, that’s not all you have in common.

 **DAVID**  
What are you talking about?

 **STEVIE**  
Come on! Patrick, help me out. You see it, right?

Patrick smiles sheepishly and shrugs.

 **STEVIE** (CONT’D)  
David! You hired your sister!

They speak at the same time:

 **PATRICK**  
There it is!

 **DAVID**  
Ew, no!

 **PATRICK**  
I wasn’t sure when I should say something. 

**DAVID**  
Say something about what?

 **STEVIE**  
She’s Alexis. She looks like her, she talks like her, she even boops like her.

 **DAVID**  
Unh-huh, no. Absolutely not.

 **STEVIE**  
Aww. It’s so sweet. You missed your sister so much that you chose her clone as your new employee.

 **DAVID**  
Oh no. That did not happen. Brooke happened to be the correct choice, with her discerning eye for detail. Alexis is a flake who cannot be trusted with the lip balms, let alone with our store.

 **PATRICK**  
Everything did seem to click into place when you met Brooke.

 **STEVIE**  
Admit it. You love Alexis SO much that you found a way to have her around even though she lives in New York now.

 **DAVID**  
(to Stevie)  
That’s enough from you!

 **DAVID** (CONT’D)  
(to Patrick)  
That’s -- that’s not what’s happening!

 **PATRICK**  
Stevie does have a point, David. You were just talking about how much you missed your family. 

**DAVID**  
Mmm. That was before I saw them again.

**END OF ACT TWO**


	4. Act Three and Tag

**ACT THREE**

 **9 EXT. MAIN STREET - DAY 9**

Moira and Jocelyn are standing on a corner. They are wearing big floppy hats and dark sunglasses, both clearly in disguise. Jocelyn is looking at her phone and Moira is peering through a pair of binoculars.

 **JOCELYN**  
(looks at Moira)  
Do you see anything? She left the café 10 minutes ago. 

(reads from her phone) “Fine dining at the Café Tropical. Maybe I sat in Moira’s booth. Can you imagine? Hashtag I’m literally dying, hashtag try the smoothie, hashtag SchiCree, hashtag Moira Rose adventure”

 **MOIRA**  
And now? To where is she wayfaring?

 **JOCELYN**  
I’m not sure but I know where she just was.

(reading)  
“Saw Moira’s Rose’s Garden! What a thrill but IMO not enough roses. Hashtag 4856 mystery number, hashtag a rose by any other name, hashtag SchiCree, hashtag Moira Rose adventure”

She sure took a lot of pictures of the plaque! She must really be obsessed with you.

 **MOIRA**  
When your star shines so brightly, you will naturally attract some ardent groupies. 

**JOCELYN**  
Oh, Moira -- there’s a new post! “Just checked into room 7 at the Rosebud Motel. I can feel her presence everywhere. Hashtag sleeping in Moira’s bed, hashtag relaxing at the Rosebud, hashtag SchiCree, hashtag Moira Rose adventure”

 **MOIRA**  
We’ve got her now!

* * *

**10 EXT. ROSEBUD MOTEL - DAY 10**

Moira and Jocelyn are at the motel. They loiter outside Room 7, trying to peer in the windows. A very professional-looking Stevie, wearing a business suit, approaches them.

 **MOIRA**  
Stevie! Good, you’re here. 

**STEVIE**  
Jocelyn? Mrs. Rose? It’s you two? 

**MOIRA**  
The person in this room. Who is she? What did she ask about me?

 **STEVIE**  
Actually we’ve just had a complaint and she _asked_ that the two stalkers creeping outside her room be removed. 

**MOIRA**  
That’s slanderous! She’s clearly the one stalking me.

 **STEVIE**  
So the binoculars are just a fashion accessory? I think we need to clear this up. 

Stevie knocks on the door to room 7. A woman dressed in a black and white striped dress and wearing a purple wig answers the door. 

**STEVIE** (CONT’D)  
I think there’s been a misunderstanding --

 **ACTUALMOIRAROSE**  
I’m glad you’re here. I was terrified and -- (looking behind Stevie) Oh my god, it’s Moira Rose! I was just at your garden!

She screams and jumps up and down.

 **ACTUALMOIRAROSE** (CONT’D)  
Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. It’s you! It’s really you! I’m dead. But why are you here? I thought you were still in LA filming Sunrise Bay.

 **MOIRA**  
Of course I’m here. You followed me here. You’re my stalker.

 **ACTUALMOIRAROSE**  
(confused)  
I’m not a stalker.

 **MOIRA**  
But you are. You are clothed in my fall look from three seasons ago. 

**ACTUALMOIRAROSE**  
I can’t believe I’m talking to _the_ Moira Rose. And you noticed my cosplay outfit. So cool! I put it together especially for this trip. Oh, I’m obsessed with you.

 **JOCELYN**  
Clearly. How else would you explain these posts?

Jocelyn shows her phone to the fan who screams excitedly and turns toward Moira.

 **ACTUALMOIRAROSE**  
OMG! Wait until my friends on Sunrise Bay Fan Forum hear that Moira Rose is reading my posts -- and that I actually met you. They’ll die. They’ll all want to make the #SchiCree trip now.

 **MOIRA**  
(disappointed)  
So, you’re not planning to kidnap me and assume my identity? You’re really just a fan on a pilgrimage, hoping to scoop up some small fragment of the stardust I left behind when I exited this town? 

**ACTUALMOIRAROSE**  
Well, no, I’m not _just_ a fan. I’m your _biggest_ fan. 

**JOCELYN**  
(to ActualMoiraRose)  
You really didn’t know she was here?

The fan shakes her head.

 **MOIRA**  
I guess a pilgrim is almost as good as a stalker. It’s definitely fewer boxes of hair. 

* * *

****

****

**11 INT. ROSE APOTHECARY – DAY 11**

 ****

David is behind the counter finishing his breakfast. Alexis and Patrick are walking around the store looking at product displays.

 ****

 **ALEXIS**  
Ooh, Patrick, you’ve gotten so many great products since the last time I was here. Is there anything you’d like me to test for you? I can leave a glowing review online. Pro bono, of course. 

****

David makes a face at Alexis.

 ****

 **PATRICK**  
Well, you know what, we’ve found a new potential vendor who says their wave and curl care products are the best. There’s this all-natural wave defining cream we need someone to try out. Maybe you could see if it brings out your beach curls?

 ****

 **ALEXIS**  
(bouncing and clapping her hands)  
Yay, Patrick, yay!

 ****

Alexis flicks her hair and gives a happy wiggle. Patrick beams at her and David suddenly looks shocked.

 ****

 **PATRICK**  
There’s a box of the product in the back if you want to take out what you can use.

 ****

Alexis boops him on the nose and goes to the back room. David walks over to Patrick.

 ****

 **DAVID**  
Oh god! _Oh my god!_ Stevie was right. (groans) Brooke is Alexis! What have I done? We have to fire her now!

 ****

Patrick takes a step toward David and puts his arms around David’s waist. David sighs and rests his hands on Patrick’s shoulders.

 ****

 **PATRICK**  
David. We’re not firing Brooke. You know she’s the best thing that’s happened to us --

 ****

 **DAVID**  
But --

 ****

 **PATRICK**  
\-- the _best_ thing that’s happened, David, since Roland stopped coming in after he learned to order discount massage oils online.

 ****

Patrick kisses David. David sighs.

 ****

 **DAVID**  
Fine. But if she asks to have her own brand of festival wear, I’m letting her go.

 ****

 **PATRICK**  
(smiles fondly)  
Okay, David. 

****

**END OF ACT THREE**  


****

* * *

****

**TAG**

 ****

 **INT. CAFÉ TROPICAL – NIGHT**

 ****

The four Roses are sitting at their regular booth in Café Tropical. Moira and Johnny sit on one side of the booth and David and Alexis on the other. The gauzy fabric that had been covering the murals has been removed, as has the mood lighting and small stage. The reupholstered booths are the only change that remains.

 ****

Alexis is sliding along the bench seat crowding David and trying to get him to move further along.

 ****

 **ALEXIS**  
Scooch over, David. Ecch. You’re being rude!

 ****

 **DAVID**  
Ugh! Stop it!

 ****

David shoulder-checks Alexis, resisting her attempts to encroach on his space and move him.

 ****

 **DAVID** (CONT’D)  
I already told you. Patrick has the baseball rehearsal tonight. So he’s not coming.

 ****

 **ALEXIS**  
I know, David. He looked very cute in his little sporty outfit.

 ****

 **DAVID**  
(smiling proudly)  
Didn’t he.

 ****

 **ALEXIS**  
I actually thought you’d want me to, like, make room for our new sister? My...little twinsie?

 ****

Alexis twirls her hair, a happy and smug look on her face. David’s eyes narrow and his smile turns into a scowl.

 ****

 **ALEXIS**  
Oh just admit it, David -- you missed me so much that you hired the Mary-Kate to my Ashley.

 ****

David rolls his eyes and then smiles in spite of himself. He bumps his shoulder gently against Alexis. She raises a finger to boop his nose. He looks resigned and he lets her do it just once.

 ****

 **MOIRA**  
Speaking of doppelgangers, I had afternoon tea with my stalker. 

****

**JOHNNY**  
What? You have a stalker? Do we need a bodyguard?

 ****

 **ALEXIS**  
Ew, Dad. No. It’s fine. Everybody’s got a stalker.

 ****

 **MOIRA**  
Yes, dear, not to worry. It turns out stalkers these days have gotten soft. There wasn’t even an attempted abduction!

 ****

Twyla approaches the table, interrupting the conversation. She is carrying the original menus in one hand and two full plates in the other. She hands them the menus.

 ****

 **TWYLA**  
Hi, Roses! Welcome home. I’ll be back in a minute once I drop off these plates at table 5.

 ****

 **JOHNNY**  
(smiling)  
Twyla. It’s good to see you! 

****

Johnny points to the standard white plate balancing on Twyla’s arm.

 ****

 **JOHNNY** (CONT’D)  
So you’ve rolled back some of the changes to the café?

 ****

 **TWYLA**  
Yeah. It got pretty messy in the low lighting. Someone spilled gravy on the floor during the breakfast rush and the banjo player slipped and broke a finger. Then one of the candles set the fabric on fire and we had to pull it all down. Not to mention all the ordering errors. We probably should have disabled Candy Crush on the iPads. 

****

**JOHNNY**  
And Bret?

 ****

 **TWYLA**  
It didn’t really work out. He’s headed back to Brooklyn to co-create a hydroponic greenhouse startup. And also I missed talking to the customers. 

****

**JOHNNY**  
Well, the customers missed you too. 

****

Twyla smiles at Johnny.

 ****

 **TWYLA**  
Thank you, Mr. Rose. I’ll be right back to take your order. 

****

Twyla walks away to deliver the food balancing on her arm. The Roses open their oversized menus, jostling for space. David elbows Alexis.

 ****

 **MOIRA**  
Children! Behave. 

****

Johnny smiles fondly at his family. David’s phone pings. He looks at the screen and screws up his face.

 ****

 **DAVID**  
What the fuck is SchiCree?  


****

(OUT)

 ****

**Author's Note:**

> A massive thanks to the amazing [MeadowHarvest](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MeadowHarvest/pseuds/MeadowHarvest) for being the perfect beta for this script. When the realization hit that writing a script is hard and being funny is even harder, your enthusiasm and support were so appreciated. Your insightful comments made this script _so much_ better. You found jokes that would have gone unnoticed or underutilized because your brain is a freaking comedic marvel. And of course, thank you for “SchiCree” which was too good not to be used...and then peppered throughout the script at any given opportunity that presented itself.
> 
> Seriously, thank you! WE LOVE YOU!


End file.
